I'm Alive But I Don't Have A Life.

Somewhere along the road of life, I lost mine. I am so lonely.

We've all tried it and regret things we didn't do or things we should not have done. Some of us has the responsibility our self. For some of us the choice was taken away.

That we didn't manage to break that bond is that because we are who we are? Because they were who they were? A mix of both? I would say yeah in my case it was a mix of both but mostly because they were who there were.

If my childhood home hadn't been a home with a patron, if I hadn't had such a sensitive soul, if I hadn't had a deep need of satisfying them and do what they expected and what I thought was expected from me, my situation would have been another, or would it?

They should have guided me and listened to me. Instead I was told.

There's so much I haven't done yet and time is running out. If I had done it earlier, I wonder if I would still have that gigantic feeling of loss of life, of being a failure, of being a fool.

Right now I feel I don't have a life and I've felt that for many years now. I feel I don't know who I am. I feel I don't know my strength. I feel more than anything I know my weakness, but do I?
Each day just passes by. I feel I have no purpose. No wins, no gains. I have a lot of dreams but I don't seem to be able to get to them. And what are my dreams exactly? Are they wishes, are they fantasies, are they real and do-able? What the fuck am I doing here?

There's a lot I can do but nothing really appeals to me. Reading, sewing, taking photos, the options are endless. All is do-able, but there's nothing where I can say that's it and go all in.

What is it I want to spend my life on? Why is it I never seem to be able to settle? Answer, I simply don't know.

I do know what I miss. I miss love, to be loved and give love. Some people says we should learn to love our self and that until we do that we can't love! I don't agree in those words. That is to say we're all alike, and we're not. I am dependent on other people. Not from their love to be alive, but to live my life and feel alive.
Who says that by loving our self we'll be able to manage life and feel alive? I do love my self so it has nothing to do with that. It's what I need in my life that is not present.

A friend of mine tells me to create my life. To find a way and create my life. That's easy to say when you already have a life and you need no one else in that life. I wish I could but I can't.

I don't know who has the blame. I am responsible for my life, true that is. I a not responsible for how I was brought up. Am I the one responsible for not being able to find my life?

Rejecting a Child.

I think that rejection is the worse thing anyone can do to their child.

It tells them they are worth nothing and that can bring even the most clever, skillful and loveable child down.

When I was about 7 years old I was going to give the patron a good night kiss. While I was bending over, he reached out and pushed me away, while telling me I had become too big for a good night kiss.
I don't know if you can imagine how I felt. In a few seconds the life I knew no longer existed. I was forced to grow up as fast as you snap your fingers.

I was rejected and unwanted!

In the years to come he showed me with words, attitudes and expressions how low he felt about me. Today I'm not even sure he knows what he did or how he's ruined me and my life. How he took me away from who I was, just to create me in the picture of a person he him self did not like very much, his mother.

Self Confidence Versus Self Esteem.

We all know that it's important to have self confidence. We also know it's important to have self esteem. But what are these words and what do they mean on a daily matter.

Self confidence to me means that if I say I can do something, that's because I can. If you tell me, in spite of my own confidence, that I can't because I don't have the knowledge or is too stupid and I believe in you, then my self esteem has been touched and my self confidence will not grow.

One is about what I can and the other about what I am.

We should be able to for instance learn to eat with tools. If we believe our self that we can't, it is lack of self confidence.

If we are constantly being bombarded from others with a message telling us that we'll never be able to learn eating with tools, then our self esteem is being effected and we may never learn it effectively.

If we have a self confidence big enough to look past this accusation and do it in spite of being told otherwise, then we're able to grow our self esteem.

If we don't do it because of the accusations, then our self esteem will never grow.

This morning I ran into a situation which made me think about those two words and if we can have either of them without having the other.

Both feelings are essential for us to grow any skill, but can we be without one of them and still be successful?

I believe we are all born with a certain level of both. I mean we must be to dare even try to walk, talk, eat and do other things that will make us a complete human, wont we?

If we're constantly being encouraged and told we're good, then there's no limits for how far we can go.
Our confidence believes in us and makes our self esteem big and confident in own skills.

If we're constantly being told that we're stupid and lack skills, we're being broken down as independent people. We may still be able to do the things but it will not be by own will and power, but by others will and power. We know we can, because we're doing it, but we're not allowed to do it our way, independently. We've never been taught how to.
Meaning we know we can, but we do not dare go alone because we've never learned. That brings us to a low self esteem.

If this is the only way we live life we'll not have enough confidence in own skills to go alone and become an independent person with a high level of trust in them self.

Then there's a few of us, with a personality almost unbreakable.
They can tell us, show us and express to us how lousy we are at almost everything. Deep down we know our self that it is not the truth. The self confidence knows better, but as long the self esteem is below the 0-level, confidence doesn't dare to go alone and am waiting for the right time, the right situation and the right subject to show that it can. When and if we reach that level, self esteem will grow. No doubt about that.

An now an example how these small buggers work in real life.
When I wan a teen and had to decide which education I wanted, my first choice was to become what we in Danish call a smorrebrodsjomfru. It doesn't exist anywhere else as it's made from a special kind of bread baked on Rye, mainly used in Denmark and Germany. I wanted that very much but the patron in the house had another opinion and told me it was no good as there would be no future in that. As the obedient daughter I was I put that away.
My next choice was becoming a Vet. I wanted that very much because I'd always loved animals and hated to see them suffer. Unfortunately I didn't have the self confidence that I could go through with it. So I didn't. Not proving to my self I could do it gave me a lower self esteem. This day today I still regret I didn't go through with it. I'm sure I could've been a good Vet.
I had already by then been told enough that I wasn't to believe I was anything in special. My self esteem was already broken down. What a way to grow up a child! Today I'll call it a kind of child abuse as the person born was broken down to become a person wanted!



Any comments and views shall be welcomed.

A life that hurts....

 I wonder why this bloody life always catches up with me on the negative site. No matter what I do, where I go, who I am with... it always turns dark! Why....?
What is it I am doing wrong? Why can't I have a quiet comfortable life? Why is it I constantly find my self seeking approval?

I know why. It's because I was brought up that way. To think I was no one and nothing and not worth the penny in my hand. That is why. Yes, my father managed to ruin my life, even here as 56 years of age, divorced twice, with a huge depth, 3 grown up kids and a Granddaughter.

I am hopelessly in love in a man who takes the world with storm. A man who has no time for me and time, lots of time, is what I need. A man who is 25 younger than me. A man who came to me, knowing who I am and started flirting. A man with whom I have, primarily, a digital relationship with. A man I have met for 2 days in real life. The man over who I have cried the most tears, apart from my father, or rather, my fathers treatment of me. The man that has made me hunger the most.

My faith in my self is not the biggest.
I hide my self and at the same time I want to scream to the world 'Look at me I am right here and I need your fucking help'. Nobody is listening, at least that is what I think. I know someone is listening and that is why I don't scream. I do not want to disturb their life.